The Epiphany Date

What I am about to share is what we call ‘the epiphany date’. The mold on the bread, so to speak, that sparked the research and led to The OkCupid Chronicles. I risked life and limb on this date. There is no hyperbole with this story; unfortunately, it’s exactly what happened. 

First Person I Met on Cupid: After chatting online for a bit, we decided to meet up for a daytime date. Keep in mind I had my fail safes: gotta pick up my nephew at 4, friend would send a text if I needed him to-This is really the only way you can blindly meet the crazy.

This is my storyMet up with this girl and she is on the phone with dad. No worries. Takes awhile to get off. Still no worries. After a quick restroom break, she needs to get coffee. No problem. We head into a Starbucks. We are in there 10 seconds before she says "I can't get my coffee here". I say "What?" She says "I’m not feeling the vibe. Don't you feel it? The energy? I can't get my coffee here". Oh Kay. We walk into Brooklyn Heights and after 2 or 3 blocks of thinking about the energy, I think "We need to stop now".  I suggest a cafe. Two steps into the cafe, she starts bitching and moaning. I say relax. I suggest we sit outside cause it's the third sunny day this summer [and I have my shades]. She orders her iced coffee in a sweet way that wasn't sweet or cute, as a server I was unnerved immediately. Oh Kay. We start to talk and I steer the convo towards where are you from type stuff.  She's from the scariest part of Brownsville that I refuse to go to and she suggests renting a car and driving around. I say "No thanks, I don't want to go there". She insists. I sternly say no. On to school, "where did you go to school?" LaGuardia Community College, she says. For a month before she realized her dad wouldn't pay for school. Oh Kay. That was 17 years ago. After that, she went to nursing school for a month to study mortuary science. Then another school to study psychology. Then another for medical assisting . . . "So what did you get a bachelor's in?", I asked. "Oh nothing" is her response. She explains that she never got her degree, but she plans to study metaphysics. Where? Online. To which I asked "How can you do that online? Don't you need a lab or something?” "Oh no, you don't need a lab" she responds. Oh Kay! Moving right along…..She won’t make eye contact, to the point where I am bothered. I mean this chick is looking at the trees and birds and planes go by. I call her on it and she says she likes to know her surroundings. Oh Kay!

Moving along….She asked me why I wear one of my rings. I say cause I like it. She says why. I say cause I like it. She says “You know what it means right?” So at this point with her complaining about the sun and looking towards the sky for half an hour my interest is piqued. She says “That ring repels negativity”. I’m wondering at this point if I should throw it away cause it is obviously not working.

Moving along and sensing the flames of this date growing, I ask the server about the beers. After a long list I decided “If I have a beer, then I will spend more time with this chick.” I asked her if she liked beer. This is the convo that ensued...
Her: I haven’t drank in 6 weeks.
Me: Why, court order?
Her: No. When you drink or smoke weed you leave yourself open to be psychically attacked by vampires.
Me: What!
Her: Yeah, you are vulnerable to an attack, so I am being very aware.
Me: Have you been attacked before?
Her: Yes, in the past by several, and currently by one, which is why I need to be aware. That’s a long story.
Me: Do you have a Wiccan circle in your house?
Her: No, but I used to be Wiccan.
Me: in my head: date over!!!!
Then she randomly says: They attack you in your sleep you know. I’m sure you know about that.
Me: Why would I know about that!
No response.
So I ask if she’s ready to leave, fully prepared to never see this girl again and she suggest we go for a walk. At this point, I’m too afraid to say no, so I say “Well, you talked about the promenade, let’s go there”. Before we are in the promenade she is complaining about the sun. I’m trying to enjoy the view and she is complaining about how sunny it is and how the shore has been shortened by construction. Meanwhile, I’m trying to take in the site as I have never seen it and 60 seconds in she says abruptly “You ready to leave?!” I said “Give me a sec.” I take in the sites a minute longer and try to conjure up a quick exit. The walk back was painful and awkward, highlighted only by my asking “What train do you take?” so I will know how much longer I will have to deal with her. A final discomfited and horrible goodbye left me needing a cigarette and a beer and I had both. Wow. Vampires? On a first date? Really?