It quickly became apparent, after the Epiphany date, that I was the culprit. I was clearly exuding pheromones to attract ‘crazy’ or something was off with my profile. Jess and I had a consult and we decided to change my profile to ‘just looking for friends’. Not even 5 minutes after updating it, someone named Jesse sent me a message. Jess advised me to just go for it, despite my reticence because it was pretty obvious this chick hadn’t read my updated profile. ‘JUST FRIENDS!!’ Right. After a few messages backwards and forwards, we decided to meet for a drink. We meet, things go well, I guess….I’m not looking for a relationship and to me, this is just hanging out. ‘JUST FRIENDS’. Cool. Except she is 26, a lil young for me. I had to explain all of my jokes, I had to tell her about the 80’s, etc.
“2nd date” - We meet up again. I actually enjoyed hanging out with Jesse, save for she had literally nothing to say, but eh you can’t have it all. I asked if she wanted to go see Black Swan. Sidenote: I had no interest in seeing this movie and it was a terrible movie, especially for a “2nd date” and I use the word date loosely. The movie was so terrible I would have left, or at least would have suggested leaving, had Jesse shown some sort of sign that she was present in the movie theatre. But she didn’t. When we left the theatre and were recounting the movie she tells me she was frightened. What! I was surprised. Not just because it was so shitty how could you possibly be scared, but what fucking adult doesn’t tell another adult they can’t handle this flashback causing train wreck of a movie?? We walked around, I was utterly shocked she wanted to get a drink, we went to GYM BAR – if you’re a lady boy lovin’ sports dyke like myself, you would certainly enjoy. I walked her to the train after a drink and she had that hungry look in her eye. I gave her a hug (grudgingly) and said good night. Always leave them wanting more ladies.
“2nd date” - We meet up again. I actually enjoyed hanging out with Jesse, save for she had literally nothing to say, but eh you can’t have it all. I asked if she wanted to go see Black Swan. Sidenote: I had no interest in seeing this movie and it was a terrible movie, especially for a “2nd date” and I use the word date loosely. The movie was so terrible I would have left, or at least would have suggested leaving, had Jesse shown some sort of sign that she was present in the movie theatre. But she didn’t. When we left the theatre and were recounting the movie she tells me she was frightened. What! I was surprised. Not just because it was so shitty how could you possibly be scared, but what fucking adult doesn’t tell another adult they can’t handle this flashback causing train wreck of a movie?? We walked around, I was utterly shocked she wanted to get a drink, we went to GYM BAR – if you’re a lady boy lovin’ sports dyke like myself, you would certainly enjoy. I walked her to the train after a drink and she had that hungry look in her eye. I gave her a hug (grudgingly) and said good night. Always leave them wanting more ladies.
“3rd date” – we hung out at her house during a damned blizzard. She made some forgettable vegetarian something that I can only describe as ‘different’, but nice, and we drank a 100 year old bottle of scotch, which was very very nice. This is the point in our hanging out that I need to have ‘The Talk’. The ‘I don’t want a relationship Jesse’ talk, the ‘I like hanging out with you and let’s keep it this way Jesse’ talk, the ‘your legs are really hairy and let’s hope that it Jesse’ talk. Unfortunately, none of that actually happened. What DID happen was the scotch hitting me like a ton of bricks (empty stomach, no offense vagetarians). So Jesse and I are hooking up, as the kids say, and I’m thinking ‘There is no way I’m having sex with this broad, not without The Talk’. After several fits and starts to remove her hands from precarious and potentially dangerous territory so I could state, quite matter-of-factly, that I have no intention of U-hauling, pairing up, or even putting the letters G and F together anytime soon, I decide to beat a retreat outta there. Eh, I had fun. I felt like a teenager in a friend’s basement….but I digress.
The next morning when I arrive at work, I had a perplexing email from Jesse. Like a real email, not an OKCupid message. After ten minutes of trying to figure out how this chick got my personal email address, I gave up and began to read and immediately starting laughing until I was sore. Jessie quite apologetically explained that she CLEARLY had led me to believe she wanted something more. She was sorry if I wanted something serious and she has a tendency to not be clear and she was sorry if she had caused confusion. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Not only did I never intimate anything she was apologizing for, hindsight being 20/20, I would like to thank the hell out of Jesse for jumping the gun and preempting me form making a break up speech for a relationship that didn’t exist! Thank you, Jesse. It was my pleasure.
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