BFF from hell

On the heels of the hilarious Jesse dates, another woman began to message me.  Jess and I call her Goosey.  This was actually a refreshing development for Jess and me because at this point, our research efforts had proven to be fruitless. We had yet to meet any actual lesbians in NY and Baltimore that wanted to sanely date.  So Goosey messaged me and I literally remember no details about the actual messages. All I know is, Goosey was cooking with grease and actually asked me to meet her. She was going on a bike tour of the Bronx on an insanely cold day in March and asked if I wanted to meet up at the after-ride celebration. Great.  Sounds like fun. I meet at the agreed upon time and there is no Goosey. I am an incredibly patient person, but I hate lateness. It doesn't help that I am always early. Goosey had a flat tire. Fine. I'll freeze my ass off in the name of research. When Goosey did show up, she was with a friend. Truth be told, I highly recommend this. Why meet some stranger alone when you can rope your bff into the awkwardness of a first date? I don't remember the bff's name and here is why: she was heinous.

Let me paint a picture. I want to go on a first date and I ask Jess to tag along just so I'm not meeting a psycho.  Jess proceeds to berate, belittle, and objectify every human being in the bar. That's what the bff did.  She was cruising another table full of women in an extremely derogatory and offensive way . . . [I'm probably the most offensive person you will ever meet so this is saying something].  At this point, I asked the bff if she was gay. She then whips out her soapbox and loudly declares that she is gay, why, don't I look gay?  No one thinks I’m gay, I can't find someone to date cause I don't think anyone thinks I am gay. OH MY GOD! I figured ignoring her wasn't really working and trying to get her to mingle with the other dykes at the bar was clearly not an option, so I decided to engage this mess in a lil history conversation. I asked where she and Goosey met? Goosey, I might add, was rather pleasant. I gotta praise Goosey for her first date skills. I liked talking to her and she was really interesting. More importantly, she got my jokes. Big bonus Goosey. I would actually like to go on a second date but  . . . . . . . . . . .oh wait. I was thinking all of this while the bff was still fucking talking.

Goosey and the bff grew up in Queens, north of me, in a neighborhood that the bff breathes with every word she expels. She is a snob. Plain and simple. I think she went to an ivy league school and I picked up a definite air of someone looking down on my ass. I don't mind this.  I mean I don't care.  All of this boils down to me NEVER wanting to see her again, but oh yeah I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ON A FUCKING DATE WITH GOOSEY. I wanted to leave. I feel bad. Then she asks me some really fucking stupid question pertaining to my work, trying to bat her eyes in an attempt to evade the responsibilities of all citizens, cause she's too good to be treated like a common citizen.  I. SHIT. YOU. NOT.  This is when Y'A cordially says to Goosey, it was nice meeting you.  When we leave, Goosey says she and the bff could drive me home if I wanted.  I thought, there would be no way in hell this snob could handle driving me to Brooklyn in her swanky Lincoln SUV and I would literally rather walk to China before being stuck in a car with her. Instead, I walk in the cold to the train taking deep breaths, wondering if I really just sat through that.