After meeting EE, I thought nothing more about whether I would see her again because that is the usual OKCupid pattern. Meet someone, become BFF's in 5 minutes, and never see them again. Of course, I'm exaggerating here. EE didn't pique my interest at all. I didn't want to know her story. So imagine my shock when soon after we first met, EE invited me to her house for "Dinner, I'm a good cook, with a few studs, and we can share stories about girls." The very last thing I wanted to do in life was sit in a room full of misogynistic dykes talking about femmes. My dietary restrictions are the best ‘get out of jail free card’, so I declined. She said we could meet at a restaurant. I declined. She invited me to everything. I didn't really understand where she was coming from. At this point, EE had apparently met a chick and was in the throes of budding love. She sent me texts that were complete non-sequitors like, "My girl is awesome" and "I love my girl". After about 10 of these bizarre texts this was our text conversation:
Me: Who exactly are you talking to?
EE: You
Me (on the edge of my last ounce of patience): No you are not. If you are speaking to me, speak to me. Don’t text me these weird texts that I would never respond to.
EE: Ok, I just wanted to invite you to a party in Harlem. There will be food and girls.
I legitimately had other plans and happily declined. She finally caught me for gay pride. I agreed begrudgingly.
I don't know who EE was dating. I don't know if this broad actually existed, but she was always there like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. I met up with EE for Pride and she immediately told me she was my wing-man because she had a girl. Every so often she would announce: "I'm just looking for you because I have a girl"; “Yo, I'm going to take a pic and send it to my girl"; "I wish my girl could be here." This alleged girl was an attorney who lived in DC. They had met on Cupid. Fucking fabulous.
EE was obsessed with what type of women I like. I pointed out this GORGEOUS chick standing with her gf a few feet away from us. The whole ‘who’s on first routine’ of what girl ensued – What girl? I don't see a girl. Who are you talking about? This went on for a full five minutes. I told her at some point she will have to evolve because the world is evolving around her and objectifying and insulting women is a lil outmoded. I clearly said this to the wind. When she finally zeroed in on the hot chick I was trying to nonchalantly point out to her she commented, “Oh, that tomboy? She's clearly like you cause her gf is a tomboy, too." Thanks for your insight EE.
I thought EE was pretty bad. A lesbian Neanderthal. Call me naive, but I have never met a lesbian so closed minded and superficial before in my life. I was not prepared for her heinous ass friend who immediately, seconds after meeting me, said she hates lesbian clubs in NY because some butch chased her around the club last night for an hour. Some fat butch to be exact. This day was deteriorating fast. Of course, EE had to confess at this moment that she invited yet another chick from OKCupid to join this Island of Misfit Toys party. EE’s friend asked if this was a ‘date’? EE replied, “She’s butch”. EE’s friend said some butches are into sword fights. This exchange was giving EE even more anxiety about being seen with a butch. AT THE PRIDE PARADE. (I hope the irony is sinking in).
When said butch showed up, Keisha, she was delightful and intelligent and not up for a sword fight. EE and her friend proceeded to call every girl at the parade fat and ugly and Keisha and I tried to ignore them until I said fuck it I'm done with this. As I began to extricate myself from this disaster, EE got wise. I told her I was going to meet a friend on West Third. EE asked if she and Keisha could tag along once we ditched the bitch she calls her friend. I met up with my friend and he joked that I was on a date with 2 girls. Chuckle Chuckle. We go and have drinks. Something I was in DIRE need of at that moment. Keisha and I sit next to each other and just let EE talk. She ran the whole gamut. She spoke about how women should look, act, should be in shape and when she started talking about her sexual prowess, I stopped listening and just talked to Keisha. When Keisha went to the bathroom, EE complained about her like a bratty lil sister crying for attention. Ugh. I'm trying to be really patient with this kid EE. I don't want to tell her to her face that she is a fucking moron and I never want to see her again. So I leave that night knowing that was it. So why, you ask, are there more EE stories I am still trying to forget? Because Jess gets her rocks off listening to stories where I am in compromising and sometimes painful situations. Sadist I tell ya. Jess wants me to write a chapter in the DSM-V about EE. I never want to see her again. I don’t find out what EE wants until much later…..
No comments:
Post a Comment