All Jokes Aside

EE had begun to call. She called me while I was at work. She knows what my career is and sitting down at a phone is not part of my job duties. Of course I didn't answer so she text me :"Hey call me back when you have time I need some grrl talk". What are we 13? I speak to my brother on the phone. Sometimes. I HATE talking on the phone. EE had begun to call because there was some crisis. She needed a distraction. Please help. I asked her if she wanted to go to a comedy show. Laughing would help. Apparently, EE and her OKCupid long distance gf were having problems. She needed advice. And typically, I also go to a perennial single person for advice so . . . .that's how i ended up on a Wednesday at Gotham Comedy Club waiting for EE. Judy Gold was performing. She is my favorite. And Michelle Balan and Jenny McNulty.  Basically EE could not ruin this night.

It became awkward instantaneously. She was on the phone arguing on the street and attempting to lash out at me. Bad move. I quickly put her in her place. As soon as we sat down in the club, she says "when the performances start, I'm going to sit next to you so I can see" MMMMM Kay. She loved the show. I had a blast. 5 minutes in, she decides that she too can be a comedian. Good luck with that. She tells me her issues with the OKCupid gf. It involves not enough attention, EE stalking her on Twitter, OKCupid and I'm sure Facebook, but I zoned out. I gave my standard communication advice. She explained the art of multitasking while on skype and why this is a relationship killer. 

EE is a really cheap date in that after her second pink and fruity drink, she was pretty much a bucket of shit. I don't think anything I said actually sunk in. She was clearly in a long distance relationship with someone who didn't want a relationship. She, EE, was clearly too needy for a relationship that is over ten miles in distance, hence breaking my dating credo "Know Thine Self". If you know yourself, then you will know, for example, whether you can handle dating someone long distance; whether you can handle dating a cop [I CAN]; or whether you can handle dating a stripper. Simple stuff. She said she read all of the books about long distance relationships. She was scheduling time to skype and check in and nothing was working. She doesn't get it. She's in love. I have nothing more to say.

We leave the club and EE wants yet another drink she can't handle. She was completely shitfaced as she told me some of her history, family and her mother's illness. She explained she had no direction and since her OKCupid gf was an attorney that meant she needed to go back to school, raise her credit score, buy a house with a white picket fence and have babies or something like that. I told her she should do what she wanted. She said she wanted to be on TV, act, write jokes and be famous. You Go Girl!!!

After this night out, I felt bad for EE. She seemed lonely AND alone. She was like a little kid with no one to cheer her on. Would it fucking kill me to talk to her? No, but her immature rants that are damn near close to homophobic had to stop. EE was in control of me being friends with her. Very soon after the comedy club, EE began to squeeze me like Lenny and the mouse. My affection was short lived.