I Can Smell The Finish Line [or maybe that's just tequila]

EE called. She's emotional. She broke up with her long distance OKCupid gf. Her thoughts are running wild and she’s asking me how it’s possible for her to speak for hours to a new chick on OKCupid that she isn’t attracted to. This chick is quote "an ugly, white butch".  This poor soul apparently tolerated EE's bullshit for hours on end while EE unloaded God knows what on her.  She said the woman wants to go on a date with her even after she shared some horrific story with her.  I said go for it.  EE reiterated that the woman is "an ugly, white butch" and a date is out of the question.  Here we go again.  The only thing I can think is I better get into heaven for listening to this bullshit and heaven is clearly out of the question for EE.

EE asked if I could meet her at a bar. They have a great happy hour and she wants to talk. We met up a week later. 

This meet up was punctuated by many phone calls to Jess.  I just couldn't believe my ears or why I was meeting up with her.  EE starts off by telling me she enrolled in Comedy School. I didn't know there was such a dubious institution willing to fleece you of your money.  She started off with some new material she was working on. She promised me it was good. It involved a joke about Tiger Woods and being black hitting a white ball.  I swear to God this joke was 12 minutes long. In the middle of the joke, EE's brother shows up.  I'm confused.  She asks me if I liked the joke.  I said "not only was it too long, but it wasn't funny at all".  I then had to explain that Tiger Woods has been golfing for about twenty years.  It's not a timely joke.  She insisted she wanted to tap into black rage.  Right on sistah!

Now why is her brother here? I called Jess to give her an update and she informs me that I am a victim of a set up.  I have no idea what that is, but when I return he says to the both of us "so is this a date?"  EE jumped at the question.  She said "No, no, I mean she's beautiful and all but I'm a boi and she's a boi so that can't work."  Yeah.  I replied "Look, I'm a woman and your sister is a woman and when your sister gets around to liking women, she will be much happier.  With that in mind, I would never, ever date your sister."

   

EE then asks me for dating advice. She said she doesn't understand why she gets into these OKCupid exchanges with so many butches.  Forest meets the trees.  She then brought up the "ugly, white butch."

This is what ensued:

Me: I just don't get it. Why would you call her ugly btw?

EE: Here, look at her.

Me: What do you mean?

EE: [Shows me a pic of them on a date] See?

Me: Wait. You mean to tell me you went on a date with this woman, whom seems nice, even though you are not attracted to her, and consider her ugly? This woman thought she was going on a date.  Meanwhile you are mocking her to me. You are cruel and that's why you have your issues.

EE: [chuckle]

Me: You are not funny.  You are fucked up.

EE proceeded to get shitfaced on frozen margaritas. She broke about three glasses at the bar and it was embarrassing.  She then revealed that she feels like she might be homophobic. Duh. I agree. I told her to seek therapy. I was done. Her brother insisted that we take the train together so she made it home safely. On the train, she loudly and obnoxiously hit on every feminine girl on the train. It was sad. I can't help her. I then had to admit the OK Cupid Chronicles were long over and I was no longer gleaning anything from EE. What was going on here was fairly obvious to Jess, EE's brother, OK Cupid's lesbian section, CL's Missed Connections and myself. Just not EE.  This disaster is way above my pay grade.