Shame on Me

Like most idiots, I met the love of my life when I was 18. Michelle. I was raw with her. Naked. Vulnerable. After seemingly gaining her trust, or more like her gaining mine, I told her all of the things I was most afraid of. I told her everything about me that I feared would be used to judge me. She cut a lock of my hair and kept my only baby picture in her room above her bed. For the next ten years, she held all of my secrets, my fears and my weaknesses in the palm of her hand and used them against me at every turn. She took my heart and shoved it into a meat grinder. I vowed to never do that again. 

As I grew older and wiser, I established my friends as family. I knew I would never open up to anyone the way I had with Michelle. I learned my lesson. So when I met Nigel 6 years ago, he was actually refreshing. We were friends. We were good for each other. He called me the sister he never had. We were wrapped in each other's lives. I thought I could trust him. He told me things and I told him things. He saw me at my weakest and helped me get through. I was grateful for him. When I told him about my brother, he was more than supportive. He took the lead, insisting that I meet Michael. Family was important he said. OK Nigel.

So imagine my shock when I finally discovered that after 6 years of friendship, I was Catfished by Nigel. While I was being a big raw, open and honest vagina, Nigel was making up his story as we went along. His prolonged disappearances, and his over extension of himself towards his nieces and nephews, which I heralded him as the world's best uncle, was actually a man so ashamed he had ten children that he couldn't tell one his better friends of 6 years. He was so ashamed, he transferred that emotion onto me in an email stating that he lied to me for 6 years because he feared judgment. He feared I would look down upon him for the kids. In actuality, Nigel knows me better than most. That is to say he knows I am a kind, loving, smart, nonjudgmental person whom loves children so much I didn't go to law school in order to raise my nephew on my own. He knows that me. The only me. I, on the other hand, no longer know Nigel. 

I pretty much blamed Michelle for shoving my heart into a meat grinder. I was dumb. I was 18, then 19, then 20 And so on. I should have been more guarded. That was a mistake on my part and I vowed to never let that happen again. When I met Nigel, I wasn't literally naked with him, but figuratively I was. I blame myself for that faux pas. I brought down my guard and let someone in whom I thought was doing the same. Shame on me.