I created a list of
dating rules years ago. This list has served me well. When Jess decided to dive
into the dating pool a few years ago, I made sure to share this invaluable
resource. She clearly took the rules to heart. Case in point – I found out only
yesterday that Jess’s favorite book is Catcher in the Rye. If I knew this three
years ago, we wouldn’t be friends today. For me, dating is an exercise in
transferring the “I want to fuck you” energy into “I want to do more than fuck
you” energy. By that standard, your favorite book should never come up on date
one or two, or even eight for that matter.
Commiserating with Jess
about my last few dates (horrible!) prompted us to write down, formally, my
rules of dating – to be used by all women kind. We want women to get out of
their own way and let dating be fun again. Full disclosure, we are lesbians and
we do consider ourselves experts on the Hows and Whys of women and dating (we
are experts on any topic we discuss, but that’s for another post). These simple
guidelines can and should be used by women of all orientations. It would make
life a lot easier for the rest of us.
Let’s begin, shall we?
1. Getting to The First Date
Women like to play coy. That's not demeaning or misogynistic. It is a reality and lesbians are some of the biggest offenders. Women will lead you on a trail driven by pseudo aggressiveness and copious amounts of alcohol and wait for you to do the "heavy" lifting. Once a couple of rounds have been ordered, the waiting begins. This is where we drop the ball ladies. If you meet someone and you are PHYSICALLY attracted to them, ask them out. Do not wait for them to ask you. Like most guys, I will miss the signals that you are trying to send out that you want to see me again. It is just that simple. The person doesn't have to be your soul mate. If you like what you see, don't pass up an opportunity to ask to see it again.
Women like to play coy. That's not demeaning or misogynistic. It is a reality and lesbians are some of the biggest offenders. Women will lead you on a trail driven by pseudo aggressiveness and copious amounts of alcohol and wait for you to do the "heavy" lifting. Once a couple of rounds have been ordered, the waiting begins. This is where we drop the ball ladies. If you meet someone and you are PHYSICALLY attracted to them, ask them out. Do not wait for them to ask you. Like most guys, I will miss the signals that you are trying to send out that you want to see me again. It is just that simple. The person doesn't have to be your soul mate. If you like what you see, don't pass up an opportunity to ask to see it again.
2. THE First Date
The first date should be completely casual. Not too early and not too late. It should be a one on one opportunity for you to talk about nothing. That's right ladies. Nothing. On date one I don't know you. If your attire is clean and you are remotely amusing, date one should lead to date two 100% of the time. On my most recent “first date”, the chick I was entertaining acted as though we were competing for the same job. It was not fun. I was completely physically attracted to her, but as I sat there trying to mull over whether I wanted to see her again she kept dropping nuggets and nuggets of information that was making my second date decision pretty easy. She hates her dad. Why do I know this? At the end of the first date I want to be able to say "Sweet, we both love RuPaul's Drag Race" not "Shit, we both hate our dad". Good clean fun. That's what a first date should be all about.
The first date should be completely casual. Not too early and not too late. It should be a one on one opportunity for you to talk about nothing. That's right ladies. Nothing. On date one I don't know you. If your attire is clean and you are remotely amusing, date one should lead to date two 100% of the time. On my most recent “first date”, the chick I was entertaining acted as though we were competing for the same job. It was not fun. I was completely physically attracted to her, but as I sat there trying to mull over whether I wanted to see her again she kept dropping nuggets and nuggets of information that was making my second date decision pretty easy. She hates her dad. Why do I know this? At the end of the first date I want to be able to say "Sweet, we both love RuPaul's Drag Race" not "Shit, we both hate our dad". Good clean fun. That's what a first date should be all about.
3. The
Marathon Date
No first date, or subsequent date for that matter, should last 12 hours. You do no need to spend an inordinate amount of time with someone you just met. Your date may regale you with exciting stories of her time in the Peace Corps or his years spent summering in Cape Cod. You may find this banter interesting, intelligent, introspective – insert I word here. STOP. There is plenty of time on date 2, 3, 4 5, 6, and even 7 to learn more about your potential mate, to build intimacy and comfort. A marathon date does nothing but give you a false sense of closeness, which can lead to #9, sans testing (YIKES!).
No first date, or subsequent date for that matter, should last 12 hours. You do no need to spend an inordinate amount of time with someone you just met. Your date may regale you with exciting stories of her time in the Peace Corps or his years spent summering in Cape Cod. You may find this banter interesting, intelligent, introspective – insert I word here. STOP. There is plenty of time on date 2, 3, 4 5, 6, and even 7 to learn more about your potential mate, to build intimacy and comfort. A marathon date does nothing but give you a false sense of closeness, which can lead to #9, sans testing (YIKES!).
4. The
Thirty Year Old Virgin
For all intents and purposes, when you begin to date someone new, you are a virgin. Not literally. No one wants to date an old virgin, but in the figurative sense you have no exes. I don't even know when you should ever hear about an ex. Seriously. It is hard to grasp who you are while you are telling me about people I have never met. Inevitably, I will sit there trying to figure out why they dumped you. There are subtle ways you can go about never talking about your exes. Some people have a tendency to fall into the trap of confusing "What's your type?" with "Tell me about your ex". To answer the former I generally say that I have no type. As for the latter, I say I have dated humans in the past.
For all intents and purposes, when you begin to date someone new, you are a virgin. Not literally. No one wants to date an old virgin, but in the figurative sense you have no exes. I don't even know when you should ever hear about an ex. Seriously. It is hard to grasp who you are while you are telling me about people I have never met. Inevitably, I will sit there trying to figure out why they dumped you. There are subtle ways you can go about never talking about your exes. Some people have a tendency to fall into the trap of confusing "What's your type?" with "Tell me about your ex". To answer the former I generally say that I have no type. As for the latter, I say I have dated humans in the past.
5. I'm
O+ and You?
I have a very strict two date mental illness declaration policy. By the second date I should know if you have been diagnosed with ANY and all mental illnesses. This also goes for transitioning gender and STDs. I have a couple of things you will need to know before anything gets serious. The only declaration on date one is that I'm gluten free. On date one, you will notice I have OCD, I will admit it and I will, for the rest of the date, stifle most of my tendencies. Full blown OCD comes date two. On date two, I need the option of saying I can handle your bipolar disorder since I already like you. Knowing this on date one will most likely not result in date two.
I have a very strict two date mental illness declaration policy. By the second date I should know if you have been diagnosed with ANY and all mental illnesses. This also goes for transitioning gender and STDs. I have a couple of things you will need to know before anything gets serious. The only declaration on date one is that I'm gluten free. On date one, you will notice I have OCD, I will admit it and I will, for the rest of the date, stifle most of my tendencies. Full blown OCD comes date two. On date two, I need the option of saying I can handle your bipolar disorder since I already like you. Knowing this on date one will most likely not result in date two.
6. With Friends Like These
I was hanging out with a guy a couple of years back. I have known this guy most of my life. I was invited by a different friend to meet up at a bar and watch the NBA playoffs. I asked the guy if he wanted to go. That was a mistake. As soon as I showed up, my friend was giving me the tenth degree: Who was the guy? Why was I with a guy? I'm gay. What the fuck am I doing with a guy? I said relax, just watch the game. And I was relaxed until the guy I brought along decided to claim his territory and inform me we were dating. So…this was entirely my fault. I raised the stakes. Because I let this guy around my friends, he felt the need to amp it up a bit by saying something stupid like he and my gay ass were in a relationship. This anecdote was shared for your benefit to emphasize that the later you introduce your new love to your friends, the better. My last date was talking about her birthday plans with her bff and I asked about it because I genuinely wanted to see if I could hook them up with a nice place. She thought that was me begging for an invite. I said "Oh, I don't want to go. You guys have fun". She got mad. You should never be too eager to introduce someone to your friend. A week later you will have to explain why you can't bear to hear their name uttered. Take your time. Get to know the person and see if they are worth introducing to your chosen family and then your actual family.
I was hanging out with a guy a couple of years back. I have known this guy most of my life. I was invited by a different friend to meet up at a bar and watch the NBA playoffs. I asked the guy if he wanted to go. That was a mistake. As soon as I showed up, my friend was giving me the tenth degree: Who was the guy? Why was I with a guy? I'm gay. What the fuck am I doing with a guy? I said relax, just watch the game. And I was relaxed until the guy I brought along decided to claim his territory and inform me we were dating. So…this was entirely my fault. I raised the stakes. Because I let this guy around my friends, he felt the need to amp it up a bit by saying something stupid like he and my gay ass were in a relationship. This anecdote was shared for your benefit to emphasize that the later you introduce your new love to your friends, the better. My last date was talking about her birthday plans with her bff and I asked about it because I genuinely wanted to see if I could hook them up with a nice place. She thought that was me begging for an invite. I said "Oh, I don't want to go. You guys have fun". She got mad. You should never be too eager to introduce someone to your friend. A week later you will have to explain why you can't bear to hear their name uttered. Take your time. Get to know the person and see if they are worth introducing to your chosen family and then your actual family.
7. Pretty lady want a cocktail?
Here is where the waters get murky. We’ve argued over this rule and come to no compromise. Y’A insists there be a one drink max during a date. She has consistently refused to follow her own advice. Jess feels that as an adult, she can mind her own drinking and read the situation to see what seems appropriate.
Here is where the waters get murky. We’ve argued over this rule and come to no compromise. Y’A insists there be a one drink max during a date. She has consistently refused to follow her own advice. Jess feels that as an adult, she can mind her own drinking and read the situation to see what seems appropriate.
Y’A
would like to interject and clarify: “Jess thinks a pitcher of Sangria equates
one drink. I have done this. All it does is make me thirsty for real alcohol.
If you are driving, one drink. Far from home, one drink. Anywhere in Brooklyn,
one drink. Trust me.”
Bottom line – don’t get shitfaced on the first date. Be your
shiny new penny self until you receive some confirmation that this person
genuinely likes you, then peel back the layers a bit and buy the pretty lady a
cocktail.
8. NO
SEX
Do not have sex on the first date. How about keeping it in your pants for the second date, too? Str8, Gay, Queer, Genderful – we’ve all made the same mistake and paid dearly for it later. After spending the equivalent of a nurse’s ER shift together, you may feel that you know this person, have made a judgment of character in the positive, and there is no reason to wait any longer to seal the deal. I implore you – wait! Just because he’s good with dogs and volunteers for a No Kill Shelter does not mean he isn’t over his ex gf and experimenting with some strange to see if he can get over her. (Lesbians, just fucking stop. Leave the U-Haul on the rental lot and calm down.)
Do not have sex on the first date. How about keeping it in your pants for the second date, too? Str8, Gay, Queer, Genderful – we’ve all made the same mistake and paid dearly for it later. After spending the equivalent of a nurse’s ER shift together, you may feel that you know this person, have made a judgment of character in the positive, and there is no reason to wait any longer to seal the deal. I implore you – wait! Just because he’s good with dogs and volunteers for a No Kill Shelter does not mean he isn’t over his ex gf and experimenting with some strange to see if he can get over her. (Lesbians, just fucking stop. Leave the U-Haul on the rental lot and calm down.)
9. Sex
Now that we have ruled
out sex, let's talk about sex. Whenever you decide to do the deed, you need to
have a conversation or two before you are caught in an awkward situation. I am
not going to waste time saying get tested for STDs. You know what to do at this
point and if you don't know to get tested before sex, then I won't be having
any sexy times with you. What I am talking about is what KIND of sex you are in
to. I don't want to be revved up and all excited and then I find out you are a
power bottom. What am I going to do with that? If you like spanking, cool. If
you like biting, that’s even better. Full on humiliation, remember I’m a
feminist. I just want to know if I need a strength and conditioning coach
beforehand. In the gay community, there are tops, bottoms, verse, and switch - I
don't get into any of that, which makes it all the more important to have that
pre-coitus conversation. Allow me to illustrate = without this convo some chick
could show up at my house with an uninvited duffel bag full of toys, leaving us
both limp, blue, and floating in an ice bath. I think you get the point.
10. Remember,
this is supposed to be fun.
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