The Virgin

When I was 18, I introduced my then girlfriend to my best friend of 3 years. We attended college together and I really wanted them to like each other. For reasons unbeknownst to me, that didn't work out. After the meeting, the gf said something I never forgot, but actually never thought about again: "She's in love with you". This was ridiculous. Joyce wasn't gay. I, myself, was just creeping into that minute path in life called bisexuality. I thought my gf was being territorial as usual. 

When I graduated college, Joyce unceremoniously stopped speaking to me. When my mom died, she was unreachable. When I was banished to Brooklyn, she was on another planet ignoring me and I couldn't understand it. By the time I finally broke up with my gf, I didn't give any care to reaching out to Joyce.
Imagine my surprise when 3 years ago a friend of a HS friend of mine invites me to a surprise birthday party. She asked if I could find anyone else from HS, namely Joyce. I said I would try, but don't hold her breath. That's how Joyce and I began speaking again. She came to the party and we sparked up the whole friendship again. It wasn't the same, but it was cool to have her around again. We hung out; went to the gym together; just talked. It took a month to sense something was off with Joyce. I asked if she was dating and she said she was still a virgin. Mind blown.

She offered to go with me to lesbian bars and dinner on Saturday nights. I'm still oblivious. One such night after dinner on our way to Ginger's she let it slip that she considers me her teddy bear and dreamt we would be friends again. I said "you what!" She explained by pantomiming hugging a teddy bear . . . . At the bar, she was on me like glue. She wouldn't let me talk to any girls. This still wasn't it. I was still oblivious. That is until we went to the gym one Sunday. This is the routine: gym, then quick bite. This Sunday I told her to pick the after gym eats. She tells me the reservation isn't for a half an hour. Reservation? Why on earth would she get a reservation for a post gym sweaty meal? We walk to the restaurant and it is packed. We wait at the bar for the table. I am viewing the scene. Small, intimate place. Nice. White table cloth on the tables. I'm under dressed. I see couples and happy families everywhere. What day is this? A cold, blistery Sunday attracted all of these people. I go to the restroom and all I see are more couples. Oh shit, it dawns on me. It's Valentine's day. I was beside myself. We get sat and all of the surrounding tables and the server is treating us like we are a couple. I silently weep inside. 

After that ambush Valentine date, I had a plan. Joyce needs a boyfriend. I know a religious guy from work and I thought they would be perfect for each other. They could worship God together in virginal bliss. Joyce probably sensed my relief at them hitting it off because she amped it up a notch. Every time we hung out she made damn sure she made her presence felt. Long awkward hug after long awkward hug made me avoid her at all costs. I would have nightmares of her running her hands up and down my back. She actually did this every time we saw each other. We had to have "The Talk". I asked her to meet me. This was murder cause she was so concerned about my allergies. I was just trying to break up with her for God's sake. We meet up and I asked her why she stopped speaking to me when I graduated. She said "because you had your gf". I replied "what does that mean Joyce? I had my gf for 3 years. That didn't stop us hanging out." She said "well you had your gf, and your nephew and Gabriel so . . . " My frustration was mounting. Going backwards and forwards with her faulty logic was giving me a headache. I had to cut to the chase. I said "look, I don't understand how my having a gf stopped us from talking before, but you need to understand you make me feel uncomfortable. I don't want you to touch me. You need to stop acting like you are my gf or I'm never going to speak to you again". She got weepy. When we left she said some more weird shit and I told her that is exactly what I was talking about. She begged for me to continue speaking to her. She came in for a chester molester hug and I walked away. 

After this "break up", I hoped never to be felt up by Joyce again. No such luck. She did this shit in front of her bf even. At some point I had to realize she probably had no control over how she was making me feel. She would send me wispy texts about the moon and the stars and the sky and a whole bunch of weepy bullshit. Just my luck, she is still dating my work friend. I had to tell her via text that I have been nice and one more text I will cease to be. I have to send her a warning text that I will be at a work function if i know he is going just so she can adjust to fact that she will see me and I will avoid her. She has yet and never will tell her bf why the person who hooked them up no longer speaks to her. That makes this situation all the more weird. I gotta say, this entire situation angered me and made me feel all kinds of ways, but I feel nothing about losing my best friend again. This situation was so creepy and molestory that I will be happy never to have her hands on me again. Another BFF bites the dust.