Dope Fiend Love

My co-worker has what Jess and I refer to as ‘dope fiend love’.  You’ve witnessed it. You may have even suffered from it.  My co-worker, who will be known as DF, is afflicted with ‘move out of my condo in a gated community to live with my useless unemployed boyfriend in a shitty apartment in Jamaica’ love. She's going broke, losing her mind, and has unceremoniously abandoned her family. This is the kind of love where you trust your partner to sell their ass to pay for your common addiction. I have always been envious of this kind of love. The closest I ever got was ‘I'll pay your tuition’ love. With that kind of love you always want something in return. Like for your paramour to actually graduate.

Since I am forced to watch DF rapidly fall off the deep end, I started to think about all of the egregious things I have done in the name of love in comparison. She has abandoned her home. That is no lie. In her home are all of her possessions, including her prized doll collection and her turtle. Let me repeat. Her very much alive, bigger than a dinner plate, turtle. Said turtle can climb out of her tank. I wonder if she lumbers to the kitchen to cook dinner cause no one is there to feed her. I scanned all of my previous sins and nothing compares to this.

Now there is some cheating. I will admit, I reacted to my ex's repeated infidelity in pure dope fiend fashion. She cheated with one of my best friends from HS, with a co-worker, with another coworker…passively I took it all. We argued, but I took it. It wasn't until she casually told me while playing pool for my birthday that while kissing the last coworker she felt that she wasn't gay cause she "didn't feel anything". I appreciated this valuable info on my birthday. That was the last straw. I didn't rile up my coworkers in an attempt to get them to kick her ass. Like DF did. On Christmas. 

I think the worst was listening to my ex’s grandma call me all kinds of dyke in Spanish. DF’s boyfriend's mother calls her a "Nigger". Not the n-word, but the actual word.  There is no way around a white woman calling a black woman that to her face. We all have our limits. Even though my ex loved to talk shit, a lot, the n-word in full pronunciation is something I would not bear.

What could be better than always having someone there to champion every bad fucking decision I make? The low expectations are very enticing. For example, the fact that your paramour makes it home in one piece, or at all, is a bonus; or that he/she has sworn off all other women/men/friends/baby-mommas/children (claimed and unclaimed). This includes cutting off daily contact with his/her mother, because she is obviously your competition for affection.

All told, I don't think I have the capacity for dope fiend love. As much as I want the deep passion that goes along with going into debt for your boo, there is something about being in a 10 year relationship with someone who still owes money to Blockbuster in my name that kind of enlightens me to the whole ordeal.