Getting To Know You

So my brother Michael came home from prison last week. We are in the Getting To Know You phase in our relationship since we basically just met. This has been more difficult than I imagined. Firstly, his release was a surprise. I mean I knew he was being released, but coming home to find his shit in front of my front door was not how I expected to find out. His stuff in my house is making my ocd go haywire. I had to usher him out of my house this morning just so i could clean around his stuff. I'm becoming rather anxious. In addition, I wanted to tell my sibs that Michael was in my life. After repeated attempts, it is clear my brother is avoiding me for some reason and I haven't spoken to my sister yet. So I go it alone. Michael and I look so much alike, but the similarities end there. Here are a few golden nuggets just from 7 days of him being in my life.

Golden Nugget #1 
I work in law enforcement.  
Michael: what's your job like?
Me: what does that mean? Michael what Is my job?
Michael: I know what you are, but what is your job?                                  
Me: Michael you have been to court before you know what my job is.
Michael : . . . Wow dig.

Golden Nugget #2
Choking on his laughter he tells me the most brutally inappropriate stories about illegal activity you can imagine. Considering my job and temperment, none of this shit is amusing. He said his uncle let him hold a gun at 14. I asked if he fired it and he said not yet.
Me: yet?
Michael: maybe one day I can get a license and go target shooting.
Me: Michael with your long list of felonies, I don't think your right to bear arms will ever be restored. 
         
Golden Nugget #3
I took him to the movies. The girl taking tickets was cute from what I saw from behind. And young very very young. Michael set his eyes on her. Despite my plea that the girl was maybe 22, when we sat down he asked for my pen so he can get her #. When the movie was over, I see the girl working and I said there she goes ask her for her #. I'll be outside. He comes out after a few minutes. 
Me: Did you get her #?
Michael: no I gave her yours. 
Me:WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU GIVE HER MY #?
Michael: what # was I supposed to give her?
Me: you were supposed to get her #
Michael: are you mad?
Me: it doesn't matter.

Golden Nugget #4
I'm a flirt. I harmlessly flirt with old people of both genders, young people, gay boys. . . Oh do I love my gay boys. Anyone I speak to, I will flirt with them.
This tiny itty bitty twink is standing behind me on the subway platform trying to see what train it is. He was so cute and tiny, I could fit him in my pocket. I told him what train it was. He asked me for directions and I flirtatiously gave it to him and I watched him nervously get on the train

And I smiled at him as he sat down. He smiled back. Enter Michael. 
Michael: you want his #?
Me: (jokingly) I would love it.
Michael attempts to storm the train and demand this lil ass gay boy give me his #. I grabbed his arm before he made it to the door.
Me: what the fuck are you doing? 
Michael: I'm getting his #. He's smiling at you and you are smiling at him so . . .
Me: Michael he's gay I don't want his #.
Michael: he might go both ways and he was smiling at you. I know how men think.
Me: Michael it's called being nice. I don't want to fucking date him. I don't need your help to get numbers. 
And then he pouted for a full ten minutes. It's like Tarzan and Jane with him. This road to getting to know him sure is bumpy. Sigh!